Monday, August 30, 2010

Regained a little bit of faith in myself

I am constantly striving to find something nique within my work. Lately I have found myself snapping photos. Nothing really special, but it has helped me get a fresh perspective on my framing of video clips.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Life, liberty and the pursuit of...... well the pursuit

Central America has recently been my home well more than my actual home. I have spent a few months collectively between Mexico, El Salvador and Nicaragua now. The realization and acceptance of being on the road constantly and wandering aimlessly with a purpose has begun to sink in. It took a short conversation with a acquaintance passing in time to realize I'm not a lone in this journey. Similar stories, feelings of frustration and isolation exchanged. Sacrifice is not a meaningless word anymore. While I live a life rich in imagery and moments. Those moments either are embedded in my mind forever or become quickly lost in the montage of sensations constantly thrown at me on a daily basis. These sensations need to be captured developed edited and packaged for the masses to view.
It becomes easy to lose yourself in all the hype and so called fame. What is so glorious about losing your friends or your identity? Sure you are in these beautiful places, but you're honestly never really there. You blend in behind the scenes in order to not disturb the natural setting of the frame you hold in hand. I don't really know if that makes sense but it's the best way I can put it into words. You hold the picture, you remember it, but you were never there truly in it.
So now what? What next? I guess that's the question I have been asking myself all along. I still don't have an answer for it.
I don't really know why I feel the urge or need to sum it up or figure it out right now. But it's eating away at me. Why do I care or et so annoyed when people think this life is so easy? I know it's not so that should be enough for me right. I don't want to settle down. At least I don't think I do. I know I can't and thats enough to get me by. That;s enough to keep me pursuing this mirage of fame and fortune and everything in-between.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Some Time Spent at Home

I am fortunate to live a life on the road. But, no matter what anyone tries to tell you, there is no place like home. Here are some of my friends ripping apart the waves of Santa Cruz, California.

Friday, June 4, 2010

A long time overdue....

That's what a good friend of mine told me on the phone yesterday. It was a long time coming that I finally gradated from making surf smut. Choppy editing with no purpose, other to give 2.5 of surf porn pleasure. But what did that all mean. I never picked this path in life, it chose me. From every hardship along the road I grew stronger. I began to feel empty to. How can one grow as a person while a void within grows as well.
My eyes became sharper, my mind more clear and open as I shot more and more. Things fell into place and a career was born. I found safety in a proven formula. A formula that I didn't invent, but refined for my own style. Opportunities that had never even been fathomable became more and more occurring. But still something was missing.
I could show the surfer's abilities, but not his personality. I forged true feeling and emotions by staging shots, editing out what I needed. The story was skewed, and so was my view of the industry.
In the last year I spent much of my time on the road between socal, hawaii, mexico and europe. All of which were testing in their own way. I spent time with everyone i worked with, and all I found myself wanting to do was be alone. Find some solitude, clear my thoughts.
I knew there was a story there, but where. My mind became clouded and too entangled in the drama of superstardom and travel. Beauty became dull and redundant.
I got to take a break at the beginning of the year. A few people still believed in me, but i was still yet to believe in myself. It's not that 09/09 was a bad year. By all means for a rookie year I crushed it as hard as i possibly could have. I forced myself to be psyched on everything and claimed that I didn't know what to do for an encore.
The truth is I was scared. Sophomore slump? Burning out? Become not innovative enough.
As fate would have it, everything took off like a rocket again. New doors and new responsibilities opened up. One of my friend approached me about a long shot video project to be in the next big surf movie. When we started it and as the deadline neared I was a wreck. I thought there was no way in hell we were going to make it in. However we did. So what next what now. It def wasnt my best work, but the best i could have done with the time I was allowed to do so.
I guess I feel like I leave everything half empty, because if I put my full heart into it and it fails I would be crushed.
I hate rejection and I hate failure. Two things that I guess have haunted me this whole time. Respected by my peers and friends. but why? I haven't changed the world. I want more. I want something new and special.
I guess I found it by stumbling a long the way.
I thought to myself there is no way in hell im going to shoot a wedding ever. I don't want the stress pressure or just to be in the moment.
I don't want anyone to rely on me for their one special day to be remembered for the rest of their lives. Funny thing is five beers later, I agreed to it.
It was a perfect storm. I got back from my mex trip too late to make my friends wedding in Kauai that I was supposed to be in, and my boss at fox gave me some time off. I went to grab a drink with a friend who ended up blowing me off so I went to the prune yard to grab some coffee. I happened to see a friend on the way who was going to the bachelorette party. One of my other friends who I hadnt seen in a long time happened to be planning the damn thing. I was buzzed in the moment and said yes. WTF was I thinking.
Oh well the rest is history i guess. It came out cool, i think. The bride and groom said they liked it. Which i guess is what all that really matters. But every time i watch it, I feel that it has a sense of purpose. More so than some stupid hype video to sell a pair of bright neon boardies. I guess i have a new found confidence and a new found smile because of it.
Funny how life works out. ANother friend once told me I am the luckiest person alive. He said this because by all means my rational and lack of thought and planning should without a doubt set me up for failure and I should no where be in the place that I am now in life. But somehow, every bad decision I make works out to be the best decision and I come out on top smelling like a rose. Well I guess a little luck never hurt anyone right?

Monday, May 17, 2010

On the road

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Some Content that has been lacking for a while

As of late.....

I finally get a chance to unwind and rethink and remind myself how lucky I am. While others endure the office grind that goes on with your typical 9-5, I get to make my own hours. Well, not really. On a side note, does anyone even read this crap i write anyway?
It's 1043pm. I have been home since the first of the year maybe a handful of times for maybe two handful of days. Friendships that once were strong dwindle as the fire dies. People always seem to be a blur as we cross paths in our travels. Everything seems to be moving at a million miles an hour. I wish I could just slow everything down for a moment, a second. Even now as I write this , thoughts of how I can improve my edits, what I have due, future projects all cloud my train of thought. AFI plays in the background, my eyes drawn to my computer screen. Searching for meaning, and the words to express what chaos is filling my mind.
I always have had trouble expressing myself to others. Everyone can see the quick whit, one lined, happy go lucky guy that I portray myself as whenever I am out. That's me I guess. Well that's me in the moment. But there is way more that lays beneath all that. The worry, stress, seems to grow everyday. Uncertain, I even have been having major sleep anxiety lately waking up in the middle of the night cold sweats and as if someone sounded an alarm for an air strike. I get out of bed and head to the computer room to edit, to do what I know is familiar.
It's kinda screwed when you start to form a routine in a life that is supposed to be routine free. Humans as a whole seek security in something. It's our nature. THere are some that break from that mold but even those rare few at times will seek something to comfort themselves.
I guess im just trying to write it down so I have a basis to spring board off from and figure out what exactly is wrong with me. If there really is anything wrong with me.
Well guess I'll figure it out sooner or later. Gotta Pack. Back on the road again.