Sunday, April 11, 2010

As of late.....

I finally get a chance to unwind and rethink and remind myself how lucky I am. While others endure the office grind that goes on with your typical 9-5, I get to make my own hours. Well, not really. On a side note, does anyone even read this crap i write anyway?
It's 1043pm. I have been home since the first of the year maybe a handful of times for maybe two handful of days. Friendships that once were strong dwindle as the fire dies. People always seem to be a blur as we cross paths in our travels. Everything seems to be moving at a million miles an hour. I wish I could just slow everything down for a moment, a second. Even now as I write this , thoughts of how I can improve my edits, what I have due, future projects all cloud my train of thought. AFI plays in the background, my eyes drawn to my computer screen. Searching for meaning, and the words to express what chaos is filling my mind.
I always have had trouble expressing myself to others. Everyone can see the quick whit, one lined, happy go lucky guy that I portray myself as whenever I am out. That's me I guess. Well that's me in the moment. But there is way more that lays beneath all that. The worry, stress, seems to grow everyday. Uncertain, I even have been having major sleep anxiety lately waking up in the middle of the night cold sweats and as if someone sounded an alarm for an air strike. I get out of bed and head to the computer room to edit, to do what I know is familiar.
It's kinda screwed when you start to form a routine in a life that is supposed to be routine free. Humans as a whole seek security in something. It's our nature. THere are some that break from that mold but even those rare few at times will seek something to comfort themselves.
I guess im just trying to write it down so I have a basis to spring board off from and figure out what exactly is wrong with me. If there really is anything wrong with me.
Well guess I'll figure it out sooner or later. Gotta Pack. Back on the road again.
-RM

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